MBFTIBMTTIF: And So Does Mike Jeffries

As per my usual naptime routine, I'm cruising FBook (like the cool kids), so I can get my news fix (like the cool kids), and I discovered that I am not, in fact, one of the cool kids. At first I wanted to cry. When I was in high school, I had a couple of weird haircuts, some clothes that didn't really fit me right, and a little bit of pudge on me in undesirable places. Plus I was a theatre kid. Definitely not one of the cool kids.

Then I went to college (in a city -- cool things happen in cities!) and things got a little better. I dressed a little cooler. I had a larger group of friends. Except for that time I gained the freshman fifteen (fine -- twenty), things seemed to be going well. Then I realized that on the weekends most college kids did things like this:

instead of things like this:

and I realized once I again that I must not be cool.

Fast forward to 2013, I am a fully grown adult. I've been told I'm kind of cute. I have a lot of friends. I have multiple jobs. I have a closet full of great clothes. For the first time in my life, I had reached the status where I knew I MUST BE COOL. And then today happened. And I read this an article where Mike Jeffries, the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch publicly proclaimed that I was not cool. How do I know? Because he said this:

“In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids... Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either."

Because as we all know -- the way to be cool is to wear exactly the same clothes and to exclude those who can't afford a $50 tshirt, nor can they fit into it. GUYS -- I DON'T OWN ANYTHING FROM ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH. And since (I assume) I do not fit into Abercrombie's elite line of spaghetti strap tank tops and pre-shredded short shorts I MUST BE FAT AND UNCOOL. I even made one of these doodads to double check (I mean, I did well on my SATs and I went to a study-college -- remember?!)

Owning Abercrombie : Cool :: Not owning Abercrombie : Not Cool

OMG I AM SO EFFING UNCOOL. And since Mike Jeffries is telling me I am not cool, then he must be the COOLEST of the cool. He must either look like this:

Or This:

Or This:

So I googled him to see what the god of skinny popular teenagers must look like...

And good for you, Mark Jeffries. I was worried when you told me I was uncool. But now I see, that you're just re-branding cool. Because 2013's cool is just a creepy looking middle aged man marketing teeny tops to underage girls. I get it now...

You know what else I hear is cool? Being a dick. A exclusionary moron completely obsessed with physical appearance, with limited vocabulary, and ridiculous friends. Unless it lands you on reality television. Then it's a whole different situation.